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Swapping your most private fantasies
By Tanya Enberg
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They can be scary, dark, bizarre, creepy, ridiculous and even downright outrageous.
They are our sexual fantasies, and what happens when we let our minds freely wander could cause even the most liberal, experimental and open-minded folk to blush.
Recently at a cottage getaway, a group of us were playing a board game called Lovers and Liars when one couple revealed they never fantasize about anyone other than each other.
Truly, I was shocked.
“What? Seriously? Yeah, right … there’s no way!” I protested.
The man I am dating also balked.
“So when you’re watching two chicks going at it in porn, you’re telling me you’re not fantasizing about it?” he asked.
“No, I am not thinking about them,” the guy stated flatly.
That he’s not considering what it would be like to be the sandwich meat pressed between the smoking hot faux lesbian porn stars is a tough pill to swallow.
But, after chomping on the topic for some time, we put it to rest.
According to a Sexual Well-being Global Survey conducted by Durex, less than six out of 10 Canadians are comfortable telling their lover what they enjoy in bed.
Most willing to spill the beans are Mexicans at 80%, followed by the Greeks at 76%, and at the bottom of the list for being the most bashful is the British at 49%.
Meanwhile, a study out of the University of Montreal released last year found that women are more likely than men to visualize current or past partners as well as celebrities for their erotic material. Men, however, veer toward imaginary people.
“For some people, discussing their fantasies with their partner is very, very scary,” says Megan Andelloux, a sexual educator with the U.S.-based Miko Learning and Resource Centre.
“They worry about, ‘Oh, what will they think of me?’ ” she explains.
There may be good reason for that.
Andelloux says a common fantasy for a woman involves being sexually overpowered against her will.
At first you might find this information disturbing because why would anyone in their right mind want to imagine a stranger carrying out such a deplorable act?
Fact is, it’s just fantasy, explains Andelloux.
“That’s the prime example of her fantasizing about something that she would never really want to happen,” she offers.
“Fantasy is great because it allows us to explore things you might not necessarily ever do in life. That’s actually what most fantasies are about … for instance, many people fantasize about having sex with people of the same gender, but they don’t identify as gay or bisexual.”
However this can be especially problematic for men, she notes.
“For men, to step out of the male role in society can end a relationship … (his partner may) think he’s gay — and he’s not. A sexual fantasy does not determine who you like and who you love.”
Still, despite the risks, Andelloux says fantasy swapping can boost the sexual intensity in a relationship.
So why do some shy away from it?
“Fantasy is a very healthy behaviour, but some people will still freak out and repress it,” she admits.
“It can be really hard, especially for women, to take that step and admit that they’re sexual because society’s message is that you’re either a bad girl or a good girl. Sometimes people don’t like what they see, or they’ve been told by society that they’re doing something wrong or bad.”
Dr. Alina Wydra, a psychologist practising in Vancouver, says revealing fantasies can be beneficial.
“It’s very delicate,” she stresses.
“But when you’ve established a trusting relationship, you can use fantasies to enhance your sexual relationship.”
However, Wydra says in some cases the magnetic pull of the make-believe can go too far.
One example is patients who are grappling with Internet porn addiction and find themselves unable to connect with a real-life partner.
Issues can also arise when erotic thoughts hit too close to home.
“If you’re fantasizing about a famous Hollywood movie star, that’s one thing, but if you’re thinking about the next-door neighbour and are about to go over there for dinner, that can be a problem.”
OPENING THE FANTASY DRAWER
- Make a list of fantasies and share them with your partner
- Try to identify the things that make you feel erotic, such as certain scents, clothing, music and atmosphere
- Help open the creativity vault by renting a video that highlights your a sexual fantasy you’re curious about
- Read naughty bedtime stories to each other that stir your imagination or contain scenes you’d like play out
Source: http://lifewise.canoe.ca/SexRomance/SexFiles/2008/01/17/4778028-sun.html
