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Cal: You’re gay, now?
David: No, I’m not gay. I’m just celibate.
-40 Year-Old Virgin
From classic comedies to the hottest pop stars (Lady Gaga) to the daughters of our favorite (or not-so favorite) political mockeries (oh hey, Sarah Palin), celibacy is officially the new sex. In a society where nearly half (46-percent) of all 15 to 19 year-olds in the United States have had sex at least once, it appears the tides of change are slowly turning. More frequently than ever, young women are standing up and hopping on the celibacy bandwagon, although something tells me this is more than just a passing fad or a new-fangled Hollywood trend. We love to talk about sex, but what happens when there’s no sex to talk about?
According the Guttmacher Institute, teens are waiting longer to have sex than they did in the past. About 13-percent of never-married females and 15-percent of never-married males aged 15 to 19 in 2002 had had sex before age 15, compared with 19-percent and 21-percent in 1995. Although the percentage difference may seem small, it also seems to be equally as revealing in a culture where being the last virgin standing is thought to be just as embarrassing as Snooki after one too many Jell-O shots at the bar (cringe).
“I think many people who don’t have an intimate partner, or even any sex in their life, feel bad because they judge themselves and their life by society’s definition of happiness—a definition that often includes being part of a couple,” says Dennis Sugrue, PhD, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School and past president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Although it’s as rare as finding Ke$ha not singing about her bottle of Jack, there have been a few celebs in Tinseltown that have openly pledged to no sex. From Jessica Simpson (or better known as a “sexual napalm” to John Mayer—who knew?) to the Jonas Brothers (who have purity rings), these celebrities have embraced their V-cards with pride.
But celibacy can get complicated—especially when it involves losing your virginity and then announcing that you want to be celibate. One of the most infamous and intriguing examples can be found with Lady Gaga—an international sex symbol—who announced in April, “I can’t believe I’m saying this—don’t have sex. I’m single right now and I’ve chosen to be single because I don’t have the time to get to know anybody. So it’s okay not to have sex, it’s okay to get to know people. I’m celibate, celibacy’s fine.”
Two months before Gaga, Bristol Palin openly reclaimed her virginity saying that she would remain abstinent until she marries, telling Oprah Winfrey, “I can guarantee it. I just think it’s a goal to have and that other young women should have that goal.”
So why are young women choosing to take vows of celibacy? “People choose to be celibate for many different reasons: morality, religious reasons, a way of centering themselves, as punishment for being sexual, and some women choose to disclose they are celibate to shake a ‘bad girl’ image they hold on their shoulders,” says HC Sexpert, Megan Andelloux. Cough *BristolPalin* cough.
Much of the information presented about sex is not mind blowing. In fact, some of it may cause you to think, “Of course I know that!” But here’s the deal, there is a difference between knowing it and practicing it. So if you are struggling in the talking sex department, take these ideas out for a test drive instead of leaving them parked in the garage.
Create a Sexier You
*Define and identify what sexy means to you. What makes someone sexy? Is it the way they walk? How they smile? The way they talk? Go beyond the body parts and think about what attitudes create sexiness.
*Walk around naked as much as possible (and appropriate). It gets you more comfortable with your body.
*Strive to appreciate your genitals. People who feel better about their genitals report having more satisfying sex.
*Do your Kegel exercises. It gets blood flowing, creates stronger orgasms and makes you pay attention to your genitals.
*Masturbate. Privately (although you can do it together too). Masturbation teaches you what you like, what fantasies get you off and where you like to be touched.
*Talk about sex, your feelings, and your desires. Talking about sex and your feelings can help you feel more confident about playtime, discussing what you like or what you might like to try out.
*Stop saying “I Should” unless you really want to. “Should-ing” just leads to guilt and stress, which actually reduces the libido.
Kicking Up Desire
*Understand desire is different from libido or your sex drive.
*Masturbate (privately). Contrary to popular belief, masturbating actually increases sexual desire.
*Do Your Kegels. They are good for you. Stronger orgasms. Enough said.
*Exercise. Exercise gets the blood flowing, makes the body healthier and increases sexual desire.
*Get help with the household chores. It’s true, people who have partners that help out around the house report having more sex because they are less stressed.
*Use your cycle to your advantage. Chart it out. Certain times of the month can increase sexual libido. If you know ahead of time when your sex drive might kick into high gear, you could plan a fun surprise to heighten the experience!
*Think about sexy things throughout the day. Your brain is the most important sex organ there is. Work it out.
Redefine Sex
* Get rid of the term foreplay. Foreplay is part of sex; it’s not just something you do to get to sex.
*Hold hands, connect and touch your partner outside of playtime romps. Become sensual. Enjoy your partner’s body. Enjoy your body.
*KISS Your partner hello and goodbye. Really kiss them. Linger in your partner’s lips. Enjoy the sensations you sought when you were first dating. Kissing helps you reconnect with your partner, but if often gets taking for granted the longer a relationship lasts.
*It’s more than technique. Maybe you’ve read every book there is to being the best lover, but if your head isn’t into it, your body is going to have a hard time getting aroused. Good sex is about connecting, experiencing and feeling. Good sex is about playing, laughing, being fully present, feeling your emotions, connecting and experiencing the sensations that arise.
Kicking up sexual desire can be tough work, but the good thing about it is most of the recommended tips are free. So the next time, you’re bored or strapped for cash, you can work on your libido! Learning more about yourself, experience new dimensions and play, it’s all part of the course to having a healthy sexual persona.
Find more sex ed articles on sex advice by visiting FunLove.com.
Positions, Positions, Positions… Everyone wants the “hot new” position that they can try out to make playtime more, well… playful! It’s time to get your mind thinking more creatively, which in turn will get your body ready for action. So before you pull down those covers, keep these items in the back of your mind.
Anatomy
Why is it that any given position can work like a magic wand for some people and fall flat for others? It all comes down to our anatomy. If your lover has a curved phallus (wondrous for G-spot play), a tipped uterus (
doggy-style positions create an OWW! feeling) or any other slight variation (and we all have them!), then what works for our best-friend might not work for us. So don’t fret, because it’s the differences in sex play that provides the fun with a new partner.
As a general rule, for most women to climax, DIRECT clitorial stimulation is needed. Only 20% of clitoris owners climax with only something in their vagina and no other stimulation. Just like most men need to have the head of their penis stroked in some fashion to get off,
the same goes for the ladies. It does not mean there is something wrong with you because you need to have your clitoris pet during sex.
So keep in mind, that things like how our genitals are built, our height and our flexibility are all things that will effect how a
The mood we bring to the bedroom (or kitchen, or changing room…) affects the quality of our playtime. The way we feel makes certain positions more or less intense. If you are looking for the whole “I’ve been a bad girl and
need a spanking” type of evening, perhaps spooning type positions should be saved for next time, as they tend to provoke more loving, intimate moments. So figure out the mood you are in and then think about how any particular style will mesh with it. That’ll give you a little more direction for your afternoon daydreaming at the office!
Energy Level
Going along with mood, a person’s energy level will directly affect……to read more click
Growing up, I always enjoyed arts and crafts; from finger paint, to forts, to papier-mâché, I loved it all.
Come to think of it, there has always been a market for people interested in Do-It-Yourself: make-your-own birdhouse, turn last season’s jeans into a cool (but actually quite hideous) handbag and even Build-a-Bear. The joy of customization still seems to be an area of interest for businesses. Kingston, in fact, has come out with its own R-rated version of DIY.
The recently opened Hankeren studio actually allows people the chance to make and design their own … sex toys?
After further research, I found there is quite a large market for lovers of customization and sexual expression.
Melodie Ballard, one of the owners of Hankeren studio in Kingston, said the idea for the studio came from a zine publication her business partner had come across.
“It had a top 10 list of uncommon things you could Do-It-Yourself, and making your own dildo was on the list. She’s a very sex positive person … she thought, ‘good idea’,” Ballard said.
“She sourced out all the material and made a very homemade looking toy.”
The developments grew from there, she said.
“She showed me the process and I said maybe I could make that look professional. I made a few toys that looked considerably better than the first one.”
Ballard said their business grew from there.
“This started in March and I realized we had a business in June,” she said, adding that they opened at the Artel at the beginning of July.
Right now, Ballard said Hankeren sells sex toys that they design themselves.
“We are offering workshops so that people can design their own,” she said, adding that the next workshop on Sept. 17 will be run through Education on Queer Issues Project (EQUIP) as part of Queerientation.
So what, exactly, goes into the self-creation of a sex toy?
Ballard said there are three basic steps.
Firstly, people use a special type of clay to mould the shape they want from the toy.
“It behaves like plastecine. It’s less oily and feels more firm to the touch,” She said. “You sculpt whatever you want … as long as it’s physically possible to manufacture.”
Secondly, people brush over their clay design with mould making silicone, she said. This is the mould for the shape of the toy, which is later peeled off the clay shape.
Thirdly, platinum-cured silicone is placed inside the mould and what comes out is the toy, she said.
Silicone is used because it’s very safe for the body, Ballard said, adding that it’s hypoallergenic, free of phthalates and temperature resistant.
“You can boil it, which means you can sterilize it,” she said. “It’s a very durable material.”
You might be able to bend it, boil it and throw it down a flight of stairs but how does one go about designing a toy that’s worth keeping around?
“Sometimes when I’m designing a toy I think about what’s missing … when I walk into a sex store ‘what do I want to see but it’s not there’,” Ballard said.
“Sometimes I’m thinking about the body, what’s a pleasurable shape,” she said when designing a toy.
“We always try to create designs that cater to different demographics of people,” she said.
“A lot of my designs are based on conversations with people … on what they want to see.”
Ballard said the ability to design and customize their own toys gives people more control, individually or with their partner.
“It’s for voyeurism,” she said. [It can be] more pleasurable for the person watching than the person using it,” she said of how many people use sex toys.
“We want people to take their sex life into their own hands; we want people to own it and feel happy about it and to learn something about themselves,” Ballard said, adding that making the store a positive space is a big part of that.
“It does get creepy and not sex positive and it shouldn’t be. It’s a misconception that it should be that way,” she said. “Some of the stores quite genuinely don’t cater to a classy clientele.”
Ballard said she’s also noticed differences in sex stores across different cultures, noting Montreal, Brussels and London, England as having impressive stores.
“In England people were shopping for sex toys like they were shopping for cheese,” she said, adding that the doors to the store were constantly open to the public.
Ballard said Kingston is a good city for a place like Hankeren.
“This is a bit of a prudish town … It’s changing, though,” she said, adding that cabaret shows seasonally come to town.
“There is a sex positive scene growing in Kingston,” she said. “We do have a strong community base of people … [who are all about] nurturing it and letting it grow.”
Ballard said Hankeren so far has garnered interest from people of a variety of ages.
“I’ve noticed it’s a lot easier for women to understand and be interested,” she said, adding that they have also had a lot of support from the Queer community.
“We do have straight boys that are interested, but on the whole they tend to be more private about sex toys.”
It’s no surprise that Hankeren might make some people a bit shy since the concept of customizing your own sex toy is very unique.
“We are the only people that I’m aware of that do this,” Ballard said. “I think we’re giving back to people what should have been there all along.” Megan Andelloux, a certified sexologist and sexuality educator, said DIY sex toys could definitely be a useful service for consumers, especially given how health conscious many people are in today’s society. This is a time where consumers are … Click here to read the rest of the article.
Many women do. Other women could care less. And some haven’t thought about “wanting it” for years. We’re talking of course about sexual desire. Craving sex. Wanting to be touched. The desire we get to feel intimate.
The libido is such a primal urge, that any threat or perceived threat to our sex-drive cries out for a cure. As most people with access to a TV are now aware, the superstar of sexual pharmaceutical world is Viagra. The little blue pill, manufactured by Pfizer and now over a decade old, works by increasing blood supply to the sexual organs. To date, millions of men have rediscovered their libido thanks to this and similar drugs.
In the post-Viagra age, women’s sexual functioning has………..To read more, continue on to Fearless Press
This week I was interviewed by Dr. Richard Wagner, a fantastically fabulous sexologist based in Seattle,Washington. This man is smart, has a tongue on him and speaks his mind. All of which I love! We’ve been wanting to chat together on line for months now, and finally, the worlds came together and it happened!
Taken from Dr. Dick’s own website (which you should check out), here’s the skinny on what we chat about.
Dr. Dick and I discuss:
The medical-centric model and the pleasure-centric model of human sexuality.
1. Why is there such a disconnect between the “health” side of sex and the “pleasure” side of sex?
Talking about sexuality in America can be challenging for many folks. The medical “health” world tends to shy away from discussing sex toys, orgasms and sexual pleasure for fear of promoting “smut” or losing their professional nature. The “Pleasure” focused world is often bored discussing or reading about sexual health due to years of sex education that is fear based (you’ll catch a disease! You’ll be labeled a whore!) Due to the lack of early onset holistic sexuality education these two worlds don’t know how to work together and how much they support one another. Times are starting to change however. Sex toys companies, film producers and pleasure activists are starting to work with the medical field, consulting professionals to ensure health, safety and pleasure. The medical world is starting to conduct studies that recognize the importance of pleasure and it’s effects on our health. Sex Educators are gaining more access to discuss pleasure issues in school systems, which is crucial to help alleviate fear about the body, sensation and thoughts.
2. How can a couple that has been mostly sexually inhibited break out of their rut and try new things without being embarrassed or self-conscious?
Breaking out of a rut is challenging! It can be embarrassing, uncomfortable and feel downright weird because it’s a new experience. Sometimes people forget that those sensations are normal reactions to experiencing a new activity. I like to compare it to the first time a person learns how to hold a pencil. It’s uncomfortable and awkward. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just NEW. So keep that in mind. You may find after a few tries that you really enjoy this new behavior or fantasy. You may also find that you won’t. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. So scootch yourself. Take a class on sexuality (many are held at sex toy shops, colleges or community centers). Purchase a book or watch a video on sexual fantasies and see what is arousing for other people. Think about what turns other people on and ask yourself, could this be a turn on for me? Then turn to your partner, tell them what you just saw or read about and say, “I just learned about ________. What do you think about that?” That gives you the opportunity to introduce a topic without disclosing too much information about how you feel. You are merely asking them for their thoughts on a topic. It’s a great way to start a conversation, especially about a behavior you might want to try out.
3. How should a couple go about experiencing with sex toys? Will they really make a difference in the relationship?
Sex toys can be a healthy component to enhancing a sexual relationship with yourself or a partner. The first study examining American’s sex toy use was conducted last year and found that almost half of the American population reports using sexual aids at some point in their life (52% of women and 45% of men) but you shouldn’t expect it to fundamentally change your relationship. Sex toys can make in difference in how you experience pleasure, foster communication, create a special bond between you and your partner, and assist in sexual expression if there are physical limitations. If you choose to experiment with sex toys, I would recommend starting small. Don’t necessarily go with what your best friend or magazines recommend, but rather discuss, what are we looking to get out of buying a sex toy? Is it to explore a fantasy? To cause (or intensify) orgasms? To stimulate a part of the body that may be difficult to reach? Then, start to narrow down your search. There are so many different types of sex toys out there; lubrication, vibrators, blindfolds, butt plugs, strap-ons, cock rings, etc. And each person is going to experience an item differently. So communicate with your partner about the experience and laugh. Sex can be awkward, weird and downright funny-it’s playtime for adults! Approach it that way: a fun expression of your creative sexual side.
4. You suggest that women celebrate menstruation! Why in the world would they want to do that? Explain your thoughts here, please and thank you!
How one feels about menstruation is correlated to their comfort or discomfort around sex, body image and sensations experienced. Menstruation is a taboo in our society. Labeled as “feminine hygiene” this phrase contributes to the fear that the vagina is dirty. In fact, if cared for properly, the vagina is the cleanest part of the body. No douches, sprays or chemicals need to take residence here, as they will only increase the chances of infections occurring. Menstruation is a natural, healthy function. To surround it in shame, dread or not publicly discussed contributes to individuals feeling disgusted or wishing for their periods to be over. For some people, their periods can be very painful, but they are not always that way! My suggestion to celebrate menstruation is an attempt to get people talking about it in a natural, normalizing way. Sexuality educators work hard every day to help make people feel more comfortable in their bodies and feeling comfortable about periods is another way to help people experience that.
5. What are your top sure-fire ways to keep things hot in the bedroom?
Communicate. Masturbate. Touch each other throughout the day (not just when you want to have sex). Laugh. Embrace the awkwardness. Try out new things. But most of all, have fun. Sex is playtime for adults!
Last Tuesday, GirlMouse and I attended a class at Good Vibrations. The class was Fabulous Fellatio: The Art of Oral Sex and it was being hosted by Megan Andelloux. Being the shy, retiring sort of girl I am when it comes to blow jobs (insert hysterical laughter), I was curious if there was going to be something new for me to learn. OK, so I really attended because I have an insane fetish to meet everyone on my Twitter stream AND because I’m always curious whether or not I’m “doing it right”.
It was an interesting night. We started off with a breaking the ice card game by The Kink Academy. The object of the game was to get people used to saying really dirty things so that we’d feel less self-conscious about it later on. My card was “The Porn Star”. We had to say dirty things to the others in class to find our counterpart. I apparently misunderstood the directions, and while I was looking for my “opposite” role, I completely missed the fact my counterpart was the pizza delivery guy. I thought I’d found the match with the Virgin. I really thought I’d had it. What’s MORE opposite of a Porn Star than a Virgin?
It may not have gotten me over any self-consciousness about talking dirty, but it did make me smile, talk to people that I’d probably wouldn’t have in the class, and started me thinking about throwing out any pre-conceived notions I’d had about sucking cock.
Megan is a wonderful speaker. I’m often surprised by just how great some of the women speakers I’ve met in the last couple of years have been. I don’t know WHY I should be surprised. Princess Kali, Mollena Williams,Sophia Sky, and now Megan Andelloux have all left me feeling empowered in my kink and in wonderful company. The intelligence, passion, and compassion of these women when discussing and teaching others about submission, sex, sexuality, and being a strong woman who can enjoy those things without being ashamed, is an indescribable joy for me.
We got into the cock (and Megan uses that term because she finds that easier and more apt than saying ‘penis’ or naturally occurring equipment or whatever other term may be fashion or your kink) pretty quickly. We discussed and tried out different lubes and talked about safer sex. Then we got to know our dildos pretty well. She started with anatomy and where all those fun buttons are.
GirlMouse was pretty hysterical. Megan was teaching us how to put on a condom with our mouths and GirlMouse whispered to me “I’ve never done this before”. Now this is a trick that I learned in tenth grade or so and it always surprises me that people have never experimented with this. But what I learned from Megan and GirlMouse is that there are people for whom cock is something of a scary proposition. I will say that with Megan’s no-nonsense approach to cock, it looked like everyone in the class managed that little party trick pretty well.
Megan ran through various drills using mouths, tongues, cheeks, lips, and she quite often interchanged oral with hands. Mostly it’s because there’s only so long one can actually USE your mouth to give a blow job before you get tired and start to think “would he just freaking HURRY?” And before getting to the point where the job becomes an actual job….she recommends mixing things up to give yourself a break.
Megan then got into deep throating. And if you’ve ever done this particular activity, you’ll know that gagging and tears are pretty common. Fortunately, gagging is in fashion these days (Megan said so) and fortunately for me…those are two of Daddy’s favorite things. And fortunately for me, Megan needed some help with that. She’d asked for a volunteer and since I was wearing pants…and since nobody else was going for it…I forced myself to raise my hand. OK, you know I’m kidding. There was this beautiful woman, asking if someone wanted to get a strap on, and help demonstrate cocksucking….like I WASN’T going to volunteer? Are you serious?
But deepthroating takes a lot of practice. This isn’t the time when you shove your partner’s face onto your cock (or maybe it is, but that’s a different kind of face-fucking). In order to deep throat, it seemed to me that there were two things that people should know: a) positioning of the people is key and b) you’re gonna gag so just get used to it. Seriously. Although deepthroating is something of a “must have” there’s really no possible way to keep this up for very long. This is one more time that porn movies create unobtainable expectations. Ah well…it’s about time that people who have cocks understand that just as 12 inch cocks seldom exist in real life, people who can deep-throat for hours without coming up for air seldom do either.
I’m not going to give a blow-by-blow (that’s what she said) of the class. It was informative and I highly recommend it for everyone interested in the art of cocksucking. And I seriously recommend it for couples. It would have been really awesome for Daddy to hear some of the things that Megan said. Even if he never sucks cock. (I’m SO gonna pay for that one)
Although I personally didn’t learn anything “new” with regards to the mechanics of a great blow job (although I did learn a couple of new tricks with prostate massages that I’m dying to try out) I did learn one very important thing. It’s not whether or not I’m doing it “right” or if what works for GirlMouse works for me. It’s solely about what makes it work for me and Daddy. Only HE can tell me what works…and it only matters that both Daddy and I are happy when we’re doing it. And I say “we” because like everything else…the best things happen when we’re doing it together. It’s about being comfortable with the cock you love.
I mean comfortable with your partner so that you’re not embarrassed or wondering if you’re doing it wrong. You don’t have to be an expert (or even a porn star) to give a wonderful blow job to the person you love.
Oh Megan attended the Stop Porn Conference in Boston, Ma this past May (2010). Here her thoughts on the anti-porn conference her experiences being a sex positive individual attending and the next steps and rhetoric being used to create a “war on pornography.
Other guests included on this show are Diva, Deirdre and Aida, all of whom also attended the conference.
Why the G-spot does exist and why every woman should be encouraged to discover more…
In response to the many flawed studies into the female G-spot, we’ll be revealing our expert educators views on all things G-spot, 1 new question and their 5 insightful responses, each day…
In order to provide a balanced, insightful and informed guide to all things G-spot, Je Joue teamed up with North America’s leading authors, sexologists and sex educators.
1. Why are there several studies now that have
declared that the G-spot doesn’t exist?
Tristan Taormino
When you look closely, these studies are all flawed. They are based on self-reporting, which, like Violet Blue was quoted as saying, is like asking a group of men if they have a prostate. The studies also focused solely on heterosexual penis-vagina intercourse, which is not always the best way to stimulate the G-spot and did not take into account non-intercourse based sex at all.
Jamye Waxman
First of all, a woman must be aroused in order to find her G-spot (or for anyone to find it really). Secondly, not all women enjoy G-spot stimulation – some can’t get over the feeling that they have to pee.
Megan Andelloux
First off, I always get a little thrill when researchers come out with new studies focused on sexuality. As a field, human sexuality has long been ignored by the mainstream scientific community. So no matter the findings, more research is always a good thing.
Amongst a certain breed of straight laced, button downed scientists that would like to compare the search for the G-spot to the search for the Lost City of Atlantis. They take as an assumption that the G-Spot is a mythical creature and does not exist. Whether their basis has influenced their research is unclear.
However it may be possible that the G-spot does not exist because it may not a separate structure, but merely a region of the vagina that is highly receptive to pleasure. Take for example the ear. It is a highly erogenous part of the body and many people report that the earlobe in particular is exquisitely sensitive. But if we get a room full of scientists to dissect a hundred ears, they are probably not going to find a special bundle of nerves that we could label the “E-spot”. Does that mean we should stop licking each other’s ears? Heck no! What difference does an extra cluster of nerves or special gland matter if it feels good?
Regina Lynn
I think it’s hard to study the g-spot because the pleasure itself is subjective, and because it’s hard to find participants who can truly get aroused in a lab environment.
The recent survey of identical twins — and it was a survey, not lab research, where they simply asked women if they had a g-spot or not — found that extroverted, more sex-positive women reported that they had g-spots, while women who were less enthusiastic or more private about sex reported that they did not or weren’t sure. Those responses tell us more about how women perceive sexual pleasure than they do about any particular anatomical function.
Just like some people don’t respond at all to nipple stimulation while others can orgasm from it, not every woman is going to notice or respond to g-spot stimulation.
Don’t forget that the media loves to be able to write about sex sort of sideways, without crossing the line of what you can and can’t say in family newspaper, so even the smallest graduate student experiment can become distorted through the national headlines.
2. What is the G-spot ?
Tristan Taormino
The urethra is surrounded by the urethral sponge. The urethral sponge is also known as the G-spot. The urethral sponge is made of spongy erectile tissue that contains paraurethral glands and ducts. Like the clitoris, the G-spot is not just an isolated spot of sensitivity, but part of a network of nerves, muscles, and tissue.
Deborah Sundahl
The G-spot is the female prostate.
Jamye Waxman
The G spot is technically urethral sponge. It’s a “zone” inside a woman, generally 1 to 2 inches inside the vagina, that can do wonders to enhance internal stimulation, or make you feel like you have to pee. Since you’re technically massaging the bottom wall of the urethra (you never want to enter a woman’s urethral opening) by stimulating the top wall of the vagina, you’ll want to use a little pressure. When she’s aroused and ready to get “G” revved up, the area should feel like it does if you run your tongue around the roof of your mouth. Ridgey, right?!
Megan Andelloux
The G spot is an area inside the vagina that can be stimulated to produce heightened sexual pleasure. It is located on the anterior wall of the vagina (towards the tummy) about 2 inches inside the vaginal canal.
Some medical studies suggest the G-spot is composed of clitoral structure while other studies suggest it is an area of tissue anatomically related to the male prostate.
Regina Lynn
The g-spot is an area in the vagina that can become raised and sensitized when you are aroused, so that anything penetrating you glides over it with each stroke. “Oh dear,” you might be thinking now. “All those other women are having earth-shaking orgasms, and all I have is the urge to pee!”
But that’s actually an excellent sign, because yes, that IS the spot. Now that you’ve found it, all you have to do is let go of the anxiety about wetting the bed, breathe deep, try to relax, and open up to the stimulation. It can feel vulnerable and strange when you first discover your g-spot, because it is a feeling unlike any other. But that need to pee will fade away and intense, deep waves of sensation will begin, spreading outward from your center.
3. Do all women have a G-spot ?
Tristan Taormino
Every woman has a G-spot. What varies is how women like to have their G-spots stimulated and how they experience G-spot stimulation. Some women love it, some like it, and some don’t like it at all.
Jamye Waxman
I can’t say that 100% of women have a G-spot, but most women have spots inside their vagina that feel great when stimulated. Whether you call it the G-spot or not, that’s up for you to decide. If it feels good and makes you go “Oh G” you’ve got it going on. Yes, most women have a G-spot, and of those women some of them like G-spot stimulation.
Megan Andelloux
While nothing in the human body happens every single time (for instance not EVERYONE is born with ears, but most people are), most people have G-spots. For many, the G-spot area can be fantastically fun to stimulate, just the ticket to hurdle the hump to have an orgasm, or be the button to push to “squirt”. Alternatively, like nipples, some people don’t enjoy the stimulation. That’s the beauty of human sexuality, there are no absolutes.
Regina Lynn
I don’t like to make sweeping statements like “all women” because of course I haven’t met all women so I can’t tell you with 100 percent certainty that this is a universal body part, just like some people never get wisdom teeth and others are born without an appendix. Even if all women do have anatomical g-spots, that doesn’t mean that all women can orgasm from stimulation of the place known as the g-spot, or even find it pleasurable.
But I can tell you this for sure: the quest is worth it for its own sake. The point is not to obsess about one particular area so much as to find your own particular responses. Worst case scenario is you find some other place — perhaps up one inch from the traditional g-spot area — that feels fantastic. Who knows, maybe you will become known as the discoverer of the LMNOP spot!
4. What is the best way to find my G-spot?
Tristan Taormino
Because the G-spot swells during arousal, the more turned on a woman is, the easier it will be to find her G-spot. If you slide one or two fingers inside the vagina, you can feel the sensitive area of the urethral sponge through the front wall. Compared to the smooth tissue of the rest of the vaginal wall, the area has a different texture. It feels wrinkled or like it has ridges.
Jamye Waxman
Lay down, on your back, knees bent. Use your hands of a vibrator on your clitoris. Get warmed up. Feel aroused. Once you do, slide your finger around the entrance to your vagina. Move a finger inside, slowly, curving it as if you were trying to seduce the hottest hottie you’ve ever met. It’s that “come here, baby, I’m talking to you” motion. Use one or two fingers. Hook those curved fingers around the pubic bone, rub the top wall of the vagina. Use your fingers to stroke back or forth, or slide in and out. It’s generally about the size of a coin, and really ridgey.
Megan Andelloux
Masturbate. Privately of course, but masturbate. Do away with those pesky goals, time constraints or expectations other than the pleasure of exploring your own body.
Get turned on. After you have become aroused, place a toy (or one to two fingers) that is curved upwards, inside the vagina towards your tummy. Move your arm to make your fingers (or the toy) go forward and backwards, almost like you are scratching an itch. Some people also recommend stroking techniques like “Come hither” or using your fingers or toys to replicate ringing your friends doorbell “Ding-Dong! Here we are, G-Spot zone!
The G-spot area is located closer to the outside of the vagina (vs. deeper in). Stimulate the clitoris and the G-spot area at the same time. Focus on what your body is feeling, the sensations that are occurring.
Discovering your g-spot through masturbation is a way to claim your sexuality (you’re in control), figure out what type of stimulation you like (faster, slower, come here) and have the luxury to understand what you are experiencing without someone staring at you, which for many, can cause enough stress to reduce the ability to really feel and enjoy the sensations in their body.
Regina Lynn
Before we get to the physical exploration, let me acknowledge that there is a mental component to finding this pleasure zone. For one thing, there’s that worry about peeing, if you have tried to play with your g-spot before. For another, the media hype around the g-spot can actually feel like pressure, like if you don’t find yours right now and have Richter-scale orgasms, you are somehow defective or behind the times.
We do not want you to feel anxious! Take a deep breath and relax. You don’t have to orgasm on the first try. You don’t even have to like it the first time. Just be willing to open up and explore, and remember that this is about feeling good and having fun. There is no final exam.
On to the physical. You can experiment on your own and with partners, with fingers and toys and harnesses, and even with an erection if you happen to have one handy in the house.
The g-spot is located on the front wall of the vagina, within reach of your fingertips. The g-spot feels rougher and even “ridged” compared to the rest of the vaginal wall. If you press on it, you will likely feel some sensation in your bladder. Once you have located the spot, the fun stuff begins, as you try different types of stroke, speed, and pressure to find out what feels best to you.
5. How is the G-spot linked to female orgasm?
What is a G-spot orgasm?
Tristan Taormino
Sexologists and researchers classify orgasms in various ways, like the clitoral orgasm, the blended orgasm, or the G-spot orgasm. But it puts us in tricky territory. You can’t simply say ‘this is a G-spot orgasm,’ because G-spot stimulation techniques can vary and the orgasm you have from fingers, a toy, or a penis can all feel different from one another. Some women ejaculate from G-spot stimulation and say that it’s another kind of orgasm for them. I prefer to talk about the many different ways women can experience pleasure that can lead to orgasm. Can women experience orgasm from G-spot stimulation? Absolutely! G-spot stimulation—alone or combined with clitoral stimulation—is one of the many paths toward female orgasm. Many women can also experience indirect G-spot stimulation through anal penetration and have an orgasm that way.
Jamye Waxman
I’m not a doctor, but I believe that the G-spot is connected to the large network of the clitoris and is part of the clitoral cluster. Therefore, the G-spot can be aroused by the same nerve endings as the clitoris and produce orgasms. Men and women have the same amount of erectile tissue, just laid out differently, so the G-spot is female erectile tissue and as we get aroused and engorged we can get off. A G-spot orgasm is an orgasm (orgasm is technically a series of rhythmic contractions) that originates in the area where the G-spot is located.
Megan Andelloux
Orgasm. Gotta love them! So many different types, ways to have one, determination to have one, more, more, more! G-Spot stimulation can help a lady have an orgasm, but not always. You can enjoy some fantastic vibrations on the g-spot and have an orgasm or you may not. Touching the G-spot does not mean you are going to cum.
The G-spot is intimately connected to clitoral structure. This connection can lead to G-spot orgasms, which are also known as vaginal orgasms. (I know, why can’t we just pick one name for female bodied structures and stick with it?) Internal stimulation leads to an entirely different sensation than external stimulation of that tiny locus of pleasure, the clitoris. Touch the outside; get sharp, fast, intense orgasms. Touch the inside: get deep, throbbing, full bodied orgasms.
Regina Lynn
The g-spot contributes to female orgasm like any other erogenous zone, with its own special sensations and sensitivity. And like other aspects of female sexuality, the sensation can change from day to day, minute to minute, partner to partner. I suppose that can be frustrating but I like to think about it as a delicious variety, an opportunity to try all the different spices of life.
6. What if a woman really can’t find her G-spot?
Is the G-spot easier to find with age or sexual
experience?
Tristan Taormino
First, I think that people are often looking for some magic place that when touched will create fireworks or opera music. You have to have realistic expectations and know that some women’s G-spots are more sensitive than others. Some women have stimulated the urethral sponge through the lower front wall of the vagina and just don’t find it that, well, stimulating. That’s okay—not every woman likes G-spot stimulation.
Jamye Waxman
If a woman can’t find her G-spot she can try using a sex toy. There are ones, like the G-ki that make it easier to hit the spot (you can get tired if you are using your fingers). The G-spot is easier to find when you know your own body, that’s the bottom line.
Megan Andelloux
It’s porn’s fault. Heck, everyone else seems to be ‘hating’ on porn so why don’t I just jump on the bandwagon. A careful study of pornography tells us that when a g-spot is stimulated, instantaneous orgasms, exploding rockets, and erupting oil wells will follow. Unfortunately, for millions of vexed women, the reality is a little different. When most people first discover their G-spot, it makes them feel like they have to pee. Because this urge to pee isn’t talked about, when G-spot owners don’t find the Staples “That was easy” button, they assume they are in the wrong spot.
Aging can have benefits! Some people have an easier time discovering their G-spot as they age because they feel more sexually connected to their body. Shame and guilt can interfere with enjoying what G-spot stimulation can bring. As many people age, they grow beyond the inhibitions of their youth. It’s not necessarily easier to locate the G-spot due to age or sexual experience, but more so because we become more comfortable exploring and enjoying our bodies.
Regina Lynn
I think a lot of things about sex get easier and more fun with time and experience. What’s that saying about youth and energy being no match for age and cunning?
I don’t know if we learn to accept our bodies and appreciate our sexuality more as we get older or if we just get too tired to waste time worrying about things we can’t change.
If you really can’t find your g-spot, or don’t take especial pleasure in having it stimulated, I wouldn’t let it get you down. I certainly would hate to see you get obsessed with any one particular spot or sensation that you think you “should” have but don’t. Certainly there are plenty of other places on your body that can stand in, right? Maybe you can declare one of those places your own personal g-spot.
7. What is the connection between the G-spot and
the prostate?
Tristan Taormino
The G-spot and the prostate are formed from the same embryonic tissue and have lots of similar properties, which is why some people call the G-spot “the female prostate.” Like the prostate, the G-spot swells and fills with fluid during arousal; the fluid, called female ejaculate, is very similar to prostatic fluid from the prostate.
Jamye Waxman
All fetuses are formed from the same genetic material, male and female genitals are homologous. Women don’t have a prostate, although the skene’s glands is being called the female prostate, and a man’s g-spot is his prostate, so it just depends on what you want to call it and how you identify.
Megan Andelloux
This connection is unclear, unknown and remains to be explored. There are wild hypotheses that make some remote embryological connections between the two, but these are speculation at best. But from a strictly functional standpoint, both of these regions are reached in the same manner: insertion in your respective orifice, tilt towards the tummy, and rub.
Regina Lynn
Both are known to be erogenous zones that produce intense, deep sensations in the body for those who open up to the stimulation. Both are internal and require some exploration to find the best way to stroke, tease, and tantalize them.
8. Why are there so many toys designed for G-spot
stimulation and what makes the G-Ki different
from other toys?
Tristan Taormino
The G-spot has come into popular consciousness and companies have seized on the opportunity to make toys for a subject that seems to be covered in women’s magazines ad nauseum. The problem is that a lot of these toys are made of crappy materials (like soft PVC with phthalates) and don’t work with women’s anatomy or aren’t even tested on women. The G-Ki is well-designed and made of top quality materials; a tremendous amount of thought went into the shape, design, and technology. It will last a long time unlike many cheaper, inferior toys. Everyone’s anatomy is slightly different so the fact that the G-Ki is adjustable is just fantastic. Plus, it works as a toy for masturbation (it’s easy to hold and use) and for partnered sex.
Deborah Sundahl
The G-Ki’s creators and makers know where the G-spot is located. Je Joue has created the G-Ki to assist women with finding and feeling their G-spots. There are as many G-spot toys designed for the G-spot as there are incorrect opinions about where the G-spot is located. With some of these toys, it can even feel as though the toy reflects the ambivalence of the maker’s feelings toward the G-spot as fact or fiction.
Jamye Waxman
What I love about the G-Ki is that you can actually program it to fit your body because it’s adjustable! You can move the toy in two spots so that you find the right angle for your pleasure. I love that it’s rechargeable and made of material I can trust for my body and really for everybody.
Megan Andelloux
How does the saying go? So many toys, so little time? Different strokes for different folks… Ah yes, there are so many different sensations because people experience things differently. Do you like gentle or firm or gentle pressure? Do you prefer pin-point accuracy or diffuse stimulation? Would you ride the vibrations or is that just a distraction? Do you need clitoral stimulation at the same time you press inward? All of these questions should be asked (and more importantly explored) to help you decide what type of g-spot loving you want to receive.
The G-Ki offers many of these variations in one compact little unit. Variation of vibration, rounded tip, owner control with the degree of pressure delivered, medically sound materials that are hypoallergenic (and waterproof) and yet, still friendly for our planet. Yes the G-Ki is even green. With variation of colors to boot, the G-Ki gives G- spot enthusiasts a lot to celebrate.
Regina Lynn
Many toys claim to be designed to stimulate the g-spot that actually aren’t. In those cases, the g-spot is a convenient marketing term for any toy that has a curve or bump in the part of the toy that penetrates the vagina.
However, the G Ki developers actually studied 10,000 women so they could design a toy that is not only lovely but also functional. It is adjustable so you can find the right angle for your own body. And it is designed to stimulate the clitoris at the same time, as most women do not come from g-spot stimulation alone.
9. What positions are easiest to find my G-spot in?
Tristan Taormino
By yourself, I recommend laying on your back since it really helps to relax you. With a partner, I suggest a position I call “Missionary Fold,” where you lay on your back with your legs up either folded back and against your shoulders or your legs up on your partner’s shoulders. Because this position is face to face, it allows for eye contact, verbal and non-verbal communication, and easy access to your vulva.
Jamye Waxman
I love missionary, with my legs high in the air, or on my partner’s shoulders, but a good cowgirl or reverse cowgirl can do the trip too.
Megan Andelloux
Whatever position that works best for you! Really, it’s more about what feels good than what some manual or expert says. So grab a good old game of Twister and take your clothes off. Get in different positions and see what works best for your g-spot, your mind, and you. So while The ‘Backward’s Froggy’ position may be the bee’s knee’s right now, what’s even hotter is watching someone who is having a gut wrenching, spine tingling, full on g-spot orgasm in missionary position!
Regina Lynn
If you are solo, any position where you can reach inside and press toward the front of your body will help. I did most of my self-exploration in the bath tub, where I could be naked, weightless, and warm.
Sex is stressful. I applaud women who have mastered the art of one-handed bra removal, that certain seductive take-me-now gaze, and who have never once faltered while tearing open a condom wrapper in the heat of the moment. For the rest of us, the girls who don’t really know what to say and the girls who wonder “am I really doing this right?” it’s almost enough to make us swear off sex all together, almost.
Sex provides a laundry-list of anxieties: is my birth control working; is the third date too soon; thong or boy-short? Even having sex with yourself is nerve-wracking between wondering if time would be better spent finishing your term paper and making sure your roommate actually went to her 4:30 class. Then there are the toys—so many different kinds of toys that any sex shop or web-store is bound to make you feel like you’re stuck somewhere in the Wizard of Oz and just cannot find your way back home. Well, tap your fabulous, sequined stilettos together and consider this your yellow brick road. Here’s Her Campus’s guide to sex toys.
The Goods
With so many options to choose from, it’s easy to become overwhelmed, especially if you are new to the world of sex toys like Chelsea*, a Hofstra University Sophomore. After discussing it with her boyfriend, she decided to take the plunge.
“We decided to go to Spencer’s Gifts and see what kind of sex toys they had there. When I walked to the back of the store where they keep the sex toys, I was suddenly overwhelmed. There we so many to choose from,” she said. “I was a tad confused on which one I should choose, considering I wasn’t even sure if I was ready to embark on the sex toy journey. At the same time I was kind of intrigued by the whole thing, they really had everything for any kind of pleasure you wanted to experience.”
If you’re like Chelsea and don’t know where to start, here are three of the most popular toys according to a Her Campus survey of college women:
Vibrator A vibrator is a toy designed to stimulate your precious lady parts by vibrating against them, either internally or externally. They come in many different styles, from small, discreet bullet shaped toys to larger phallic models, which are sometimes referred to as dildos, though not all dildos vibrate. They also come in other varieties, like vibrating underwear, for an extra saucy dinner-date.
Strap On A strap on is harness designed to hold a dildo or vibrating dildo in order to facilitate penetration. It can be used by any sex or gender, just like vibrators or anal plugs, which is why it’s super popular.
Anal Plug Anal plugs are sex toys designed to fit snugly into your sexy bottom. Some women say they help them orgasm, for others, it’s just a turn-on.
Erasing your doubts.
Did you know 57% of college aged guys and girls surveyed in an exclusive Her Campus poll said that they’ve used sex toys? Out of those who haven’t, 80% said that they know someone who has. That adds up to most of us, yet walking into a sex shop can still make anyone bashful. This is why lots of us have the tendency to blindly pick out a toy like it’s a used vinyl record in the discount bin, and run. Just like when you’re record shopping, cool album art and a snappy band name don’t mean the songs are any good.
Whether you’re a virgin who’s never seen a sex toy, already have an enormous collection hidden in your underwear drawer, or someone who’d consider their sex life pretty vanilla (hey, vanilla is a good flavor too!), it’s still important to know what you want. There are three crucial elements to any sex toy purchase: use, look, and material. If you’ve considered these three things, then that’s half the battle.
Use
“I have to say,” says Chelsea, “I never thought I would be using sex toys with myself, or with my significant other, but I am for sure a fan now. Ever since that one day, I have gone back and bought several more toys to test out.”
Like Chelsea, once you’ve broken free from the shackles of shyness, and can proudly proclaim that you do in fact want to buy a sex toy (or at least shop for one online in the confines of your bedroom), you must ask yourself one simple question: what exactly do I want to do with this thing?
“You want to think about if you want to be using it as an external toy or an internal toy,” says Megan Andelloux, certified Sexologist and Sexuality Educator. “Vibration tends to work best externally, even though some people like to use it internally.”
If you want a toy specifically for internal use, you need to decide which kind of stimulation you want—G-Spot or anal stimulation.
The G-Spot, located on the inside of the front vaginal wall, is a mystery to many women, so it’s no wonder that 40% of readers surveyed prefer toys for external stimulation. Let it be a mystery no more; purchasing a toy with a curvature will help you reach that sweet spot that’s easy to miss with your hands.
If you’re looking for anal stimulation, you have to be a little more careful.
“If [the toy is] used for anal it has to have a flange,” she says.
A flange is the flared ending on toys designed to be used anally which prevents them from getting lost inside of you.
Look
In the same way that rock hard abs and deep blue eyes made you fall for that Campus Cutie, the right looks can lead you to the perfect sex toy.
“It’s important to keep in mind what turns you on, what type of stimulation you want, what looks appealing to you,” says Andelloux. “Does it look like something you want to play with? Some people really like abstract art-type sex toys, whereas other people feel more comfortable with animal themes like The Rabbit.”
So what turns you on? Do you like neon colors or prefer things to be a bit more anatomically correct? 28% of readers said they like their toys to be fun and colorful, while a whopping 48% agreed that toys should be discreet.
If you’re looking for something ultra-cute to impress your beaux, Andelloux recommends the Pyrex Mint Plug by Crystal Delights. “[It’s] bling for your butt. How could someone not want to play with a sparkly butt?”
For someone who’s a bit more demure she also recommends the Fingo by Screaming-O, a small bullet type vibrator used for external stimulation. “It’s small so it doesn’t scare people,” she says. “It’s fabulous to use during oral sex and it’s less than $20.”
Material
A sex toy is like your favorite t-shirt. You want it to look good on you and be versatile, but most of all, you want it to be comfortable. This is why material matters. Would you settle for a cheap poly-blend when you could have 100% cotton? Of course not.
“You want to think about the type of materials,” says Andelloux, “hard and firm will carry more vibration, or do you want it to be soft and feel more lifelike?”
It’s also imperative to make sure that the material is safe. Plastic toys or toys that contain jelly may contain Phalates, which are linked to cancer, reproductive failure, and intersex conditions, and can leak out of poorly made toys.
“If the sex toy salesman recommends you use a condom over [the toy], that’s a sign it has Phalates,” Andelloux explains.
If your toy might have Phalates, it’s best to use a condom or skip it all together. There are plenty of other options that are effective, inexpensive, and safe.
Do what feels right.
With sex toys, it’s important to remember that it’s all about what makes you feel good. While most of our minds default to the small, discreet vibrator we saw in that infamous episode of “Sex and the City” when we think about it, that doesn’t mean it’s the only option. There are many different kinds of sex toys for every woman’s unique needs. Your best friend might love to use a strap-on or fool around with anal-beads, but you might like things slightly more traditional.
When surveyed, an overwhelming number of Her Campus readers admitted to strictly using vibrators, and one even divulged us in her secret—she uses an electric tooth brush, but if that’s too vanilla for your tastes, there are some options that are a little more risqué. Not all toys are created for the bedroom—some allow us to get our freak on when we are walking to class or dancing in the club.
Club Vibe by OhMiBod is a small vibrator that slips into a special pair of panties. “You wear it to a club,” Andelloux says, “and it vibrates to the base of the music the DJ is playing.”
Luna Ball, a small plastic ball designed to tone Kegel muscles, is another sex toy that you can wear out like your favorite pair of blue jeans.
“You can wear them around campus all day long, and they provide a fun party in your pants while toning your Kegel muscles to give you stronger orgasms,” says Adelloux, “They are not designed to give you orgasms, but they are designed to make you feel fun like you have a special secret inside.”
Whether you are looking for something discreet, loud, for the bedroom, or for the world outside, sex toys can add an element of surprise to spice up your relationship, or provide the excitement of a steamy hook-up when you’re flying solo. Once you pick out a sex toy that fits your needs, there is only one more rule—have fun.
As the chatter and giggles erupted throughout the auditorium, speaker Megan Andelloux banged on the table with a translucent green dildo with ridges of shimmering gold to call for silence.
Abby P. Sun ’13, co-president of Radcliffe Union of Students, the campus feminist group that sponsored the sixth annual Female Orgasm Seminar, helped hand out 1500 free condoms and cupcakes decorated with candied breasts and vulvas to the nearly 700 audience members.
“It’s a fun and communal event,” she said, trying to usher entryway groups, teammates, and groups of friends—spilling into aisles and standing in the back of Science Center C—into seats. “Hopefully it will get some conversations started, too.”
Andelloux, a sex educator and sexologist, launched into her discussion about what an orgasm is, how to have one, female anatomy, and safety.
“Sex is not just about having that climax; it’s about the whole experience,” she reminded her audience, noting that goal-focused sex can end up less pleasurable than just having fun. But that didn’t stop her from talking about how to reach that goal.
“Direct clitoral stimulation is how orgasms happen,” she said. “Trying to have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation for most women is like men trying to have one without touching their penis.”
In addition to talking about tips, techniques, and toys to make sex fun, she highlighted the importance of being comfortable in one’s body, noting that rather than feel self-conscious about their bodies, all people should embrace their uniqueness. She emphasized this with a clip from the film “Viva La Vulva,” which celebrated how varied female genitalia can be. She also showed a scene of g-spot stimulation to demystify female ejaculation, also known as squirting. The entire seminar was punctuated with laughter, questions, gasps, and audience participation.
After the presentation, RUS raffled off a variety of sex toys including an assortment of dildos, a rubber ducky vibrator, a vibrating butt plug, and a Hello Kitty massager. Audience members exploded with cries of “yes,” “oh my god,” and “I’m so happy,” as well as nonverbal expressions of delight, when their numbers were called.
“This is what winning looks like!” said audience member Ian H. Clark ’12, who won a butt plug shaped like Marge Simpson’s coiffure. His friend Anneika M. Verghese ’12, who also won a prize, noted, “I didn’t know vibrators came in this shape.”
The two were not only surprised by their prizes, but by the focus of the seminar as well.
“I did not expect to watch porn,” said Verghese. “It was uncomfortable, but interesting, especially because the focus was less on sex and more on different kinds of stimulation.”
Clark agreed that Andelloux’s discussion, and especially her focus on individual differences, was informative and fun.
“It was surprising that there was so much emphasis on how people are different and how to enjoy what people have to offer,” he said.
Brandishing the purple butt plug he won, Clark joked to his friends, “who wants to go home and practice?”
Sexologist Megan Andelloux with plush vulva puppet.
Voice Vixen here, reporting on the Female Orgasm Seminar which took place this past Friday night. Content warning, the following does acknowledge the existence of sex and is textually NSFW.
6:45 So this thing hasn’t started yet and already Science Center C is a writing mass of hot bodies, packed front to back with Harvard Students who apparently want to know the ins and outs of the female orgasm. There is a table up front arrayed with various sex toys ranging from purple to pink to… pinker. I’ve picked up a raffle ticket, wish me luck!
6:46: A group of guys sitting behind me can’t seem to say the word clitoris without whispering. One of them says he hopes to hear about some “serious technique.”I suppress judgement, it seems clear that boys of Harvard could really use the help.
6:55 It IS SO LOUD IN HERE. It’s almost like every person in the room is having a really intelligibly vocal orgasm. Rabble rabble rabble!
A capture of Lingford’s stop motion animation.
6:00 Ruth Lingford (VES Professor, Department Head) has started talking about her videos interviewing people to describe their orgasms. Her film is a minimalist stop motion animation with voiceover’s of said descriptions. It is notably replete with phrases like “chocolate mousse”, “volcanic”, “like icing”, “I thought of broccoli”. All this food talk really makes me want a cupcake. Everyone laughs at a software update popup, but the video is otherwise really interesting and captivatingly animated.
7:05 I begin to tally the number of times people say “orgasm.”
7:08 I don’t know whether to be encouraged by the number of people in the room or really, really saddened by the balls-to-the-wall, people-standing-in-the-aisles attendance.
7:16 To describe the scene, on the table in the front is a VAST array of sex toys, apparently $1000 worth of swag. Apparently the Voice’s good blogging sista, Lena Chen of Sex and The Ivy, graciously supplied the sex toys to be given away. We love you Lena!
Note: The men here are definitely, the loudest, brashest people in the audience. Voice Vixen does not like. The sex educator/sexologist however, is extremely cool and sexy. Just sayin’. High waisted skirt, white blouse, librarian glasses. A Harvard gal might steal this look.
7:21 Surprisingly, the “orgasm” iteration count is only at 8 – I think we can do better than this.
7:22 So cute/gross, everyone in the audience just said ‘Pap Smears’ altogether, like a three-year old says “Good Morning Mr. Rogers!”
FML Celebrity Sighting! Gov20 Italian guy.
7:23: Highlight of the event: women referred to as “vaginal owners”, because not everyone who has a vagina identifies as female. Thank you! This is a vast improvement upon the utterly heteronormative seminars of yesteryear.
The sexologist lays it down for us, figuratively. Some great quotes:
“Everyone has an asshole, everyone has a mouth. Those are the great equalizers.”
In reference to always using lube for anal sex: “My job is to make sure you don’t rip your butthole.”
“This is one of my vulva puppets.”
“For the love of god masturbation is good for you.”
“There are no absolutes in human sexuality.”
HOLY CRAP COOL FACT: Greatest number of orgasms had by a woman in a sexual study: 134 in one hour. Everyone feels inadequate.
7:30 There is way too much hooting and hollering from the men in here. You dogs you.
MORE TECHNIQUE/HELPFUL FACTS:
The average female orgasm takes: 10-20 min
Imbibing anything over an ounce of alcohol decreases the ability to orgasm, but less than an ounce makes one a little more receptive.
Working out helps you have better orgasms, as it improves the circulatory system.
Direct clitoral stimulation is needed for most vaginal owners to get off. “Trying to orgasm without clitoral stimulation is like a man trying to orgasm without touching his penis.”
Orgasm isn’t the goal, there’s other fun stuff (aka goal-focused sex, a no-no).
Super Helpful Relaxation Tip: try to make the jaw muscles slack.
Politics do not belong in the bedroom.
7:47 “Orgasm” count now way up to 49.
7:57 We’re about to watch a clip from “Viva La Vulva.” Oh, yes, you really should have come to this. So. many. vulvas. Everyone is rapt with attention though; half the guys in the room have their hands near their mouth or their chins. A woman with really, really strong PC muscles is displaying herself COMPLETELY. I can’t help but wonder how many Harvard boys have even seen this before, let alone projected 6 feet tall in a on a screen. Vaginal show and tell.
The sexologist mentioned genital shaving and every girl groaned.
8:12 We’ve moved onto the clitoris!
Tip: If you “split the clitoris into four quadrants” the upper left is the most sensitive. Who knew?
Fact: You cannot stretch out the vagina lips.
Facts: If someone is physically responding to sex their outer lips will open up. the The clitoris is actually 4-6 inches long, the exposed part being just a tiny tip of it. Is it sad that this comes as incredible information to everyone in the audience?
8:22 We’re onto vibrators and toys:
Fact: vibrators were created for the medical community, as a treatment for hysteria.
Fact: You can’t “break” your vagina by using your vibrator too much.
Butt lessons: make sure your anal toy has a flange (a wide part at the base of the toy that prevents it from being sucked up into your body). The image that accompanies this advice is horrifying.
8:41: final “orgasm” word count at 67.
Final Thoughts: While Voice Vixen did not snag a cupcake, she assumes they could only have been magnificent. In any case the talk was incredibly informative. It’s amazing how mis/uneducated individuals can be about their own bodies. Voice Vixen came away cringingly refreshed as did many of the others in attendance. If anything can be surmised from the incredibly participatory, enraptured, and VOCAL student responses, it’s that the event was an incredible success. Alas, we did not win a sex toy (there was a Hello Kitty vibrator… NOOOO!) but we definitely give kudos to The Radcliffe Union of Students for their work putting this together. Look forward to it next year, and get there EARLY because there wasn’t an empty seat in the house! Harvard kids might be sexually frustrated, but sh*t if they aren’t willing to educate themselves. The main advice of the night: Relax, be safe , learn more, read more, masturbate more, and remember to relax that jaw!
In preparation for last night’s sex toys workshop, an array of multi-colored and multi-textured dildos, vibrators, lubricants, strap-ons, and other devices mimicking all forms of oral, anal, penile, and vaginal stimulation spread across the long table of Adams Lower Common Room.
Sex educator and sexologist Megan Andelloux led the workshop, which was sponsored by the Adams House BGLT Tutors, HLS Lambda, and Harvard Law Students for Reproductive Justice.
The event was part of this month’s Gaypril festivities, but was not targeted only at LGBT people, said former co-president of HLS Lambda and Adams House tutor Erika J. Rickard.
“This reaches beyond the LGBT community because straight people like sex too, not just the queers,” Rickard joked, clarifying that the idea behind the event was to explain that these things can be applicable to any gender or sexual orientation.
In response to Andelloux’s repeated emphasis on being happy with one’s body and oneself, Ez U. Cukor, a law student involved with both HLS Lambda and Harvard Law Students for Reproductive Justice, said that this sex-positive emphasis was an attitude that could benefit much of society.
“In high school you learn all the ways sex can hurt you,” said Cukor, adding that she hopes to see society become more accepting of various forms of sexual behavior. “I think the more chance people have to access this information, the more change there will be.”
Andelloux said that she teaches about sexual play and displays a variety of toys because traditional sex education often leaves people thinking only of the negative sides of sex.
“It’s important to focus on why people play, why they want to be touched, have orgasms, and explore fantasies,” she said.
In addition to explaining the collection of items on the table, Andelloux talked about basic anatomy, even bringing out a vulva puppet dubbed Veronica, complete with fabric clitoris and a rosette urethra.
“If you’re playing with the vulva, lubrication comes from here but the clitoris is up here,” she said, pointing to the appropriate areas of pink cloth. She said that clitoral stimulation and vibration are effective ways of reaching orgasm, but added that it was important to remember that an orgasm does not necessarily have to be the ultimate goal of sexual play.
“If you feel like you had a good time and lost control of your body a little bit, that’s what matters,” she said. “All these toys can be used to have an orgasm or to have fun and to play, and if it makes you feel good and it’s good for your body, why not?”
When asked what was the best sex toy, Andelloux had a simple answer.
“Fingers!” she exclaimed, holding up both hands. “You have ten sex toys with you all the time, and you can do tons of amazingly naughty things with your hands that we don’t give enough credit to.”
After passing a table full of sex toys around the room and testing the texture of multiple bottles of lube, most of the attendants left the event with pretty sticky fingers.
—Staff writer Alice E.M. Underwood can be reached at aeunderw@fas.harvard.edu.
4. You suggest that women celebrate menstruation! Why in the world would they want to do that? Explain your thoughts here, please and thank you!
